{"id":3969,"date":"2024-08-07T14:48:31","date_gmt":"2024-08-07T14:48:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/?p=3969"},"modified":"2026-04-14T06:20:23","modified_gmt":"2026-04-14T06:20:23","slug":"i-believed-i-was-a-girl","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/i-believed-i-was-a-girl\/","title":{"rendered":"I Believed I was a Girl"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I\u2019ve wrestled with gender identity for about twenty-five years, yet through it all, I\u2019ve seen God\u2019s faithfulness and love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Born into a family that loved the Lord, I put my faith in Jesus at age five. My adoption into His family and the Holy Spirit\u2019s presence have provided protection and a tether to hold on to as I\u2019ve worked through my gender identity issues.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I entered puberty, I began to struggle with my identity. I didn\u2019t know how to handle the feelings or even what they were. I fantasized about being something or someone else\u2014a cartoon character or a big, sleek cat. About that time, a daytime TV program introduced me to transgenderism. A guest talked about a male childhood friend, then the show\u2019s host welcomed the friend onstage \u2026 and out walked a beautiful woman. The image of the boy\u2019s photo in the background and the woman sitting onstage seared itself in my mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From then on, I believed I was a girl. I fantasized about how and when I could transition but didn\u2019t share my feelings with anyone. I knew my parents wouldn\u2019t support it, and I didn\u2019t believe God would approve either. I harbored a judgmental view of God; therefore, a lot of guilt, shame, and fear kept me from pursuing a gender change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Still, I fed my fantasy in private. I\u2019d put on my mom\u2019s clothes and makeup, then long to be the person I saw in the mirror. The night before my sixteenth birthday, I begged God to make me a girl. I wanted to wake up in a girl\u2019s body\u2014as if I\u2019d always been my parents\u2019 daughter and my younger brothers\u2019 big sister. I was crushed when that didn\u2019t happen, and the  desire\u2019s intensity filled me with guilt and shame. I begged God repeatedly to take away the desire and reveal why I had to deal with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My parents found out about my struggle when I was in high school and made it clear they were opposed to it, which reinforced my belief that changing my gender would mean not seeing them very much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In college, I purchased female clothing, dressed up, felt guilty, and then threw away the clothes. I bought menopause pills because I read they contained small doses of hormones. I took one dose, felt very guilty, and flushed the remaining pills down the toilet. I attended a college men\u2019s group awhile, looking for accountability and help. But they focused on staying pure and fighting problems such as pornography and masturbation. The other men\u2019s struggles weren\u2019t like mine (though some issues overlapped).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The biggest issue during my journey has been loneliness. I thought only especially dirty people wrestled with this taboo issue. When I gathered the courage to share my story, seeking discipleship and help, I was generally met with a deer-in-the-headlights look, some good-hearted intentions to pray with me, but cluelessness about what to do. Then the issue never came up again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The loneliness intensified. I searched online for information and help, using keywords such as \u201cChristian transgender\u201d or \u201ctransgender ministry.\u201d Several sites claimed to be Christian, but they supported transsexuality. I couldn\u2019t find a site that indicated transitioning was wrong, but I still believed it dishonored God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After college, I got married. I assumed the struggle would be less intense, but it wasn\u2019t. Without my wife\u2019s support, though, I\u2019d still be immersed in gender confusion. Soon after we married, I found a ministry that dealt specifically with gender identity from a biblical perspective. Finally, I met someone who understood this struggle and the grace and healing God can bring. For months, I talked with the ministry\u2019s director on the phone, every other week or so. Those conversations radically changed my viewpoint.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I received helpful information and resources. I spoke openly with someone who has walked this journey longer and farther than I have. I dug into the trauma and experiences behind the struggle. Jesus said, \u201cYou will know the truth and the truth will set you free\u201d (John 8:32). As much as I want to believe that I\u2019m a woman in a man\u2019s body, nothing but my imagination is telling me that. It\u2019s just not true. And I desire to live in truth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I now recognize the need for community. Celebrate Recovery and Help 4 Families have been godsends. God never gave up on me, and He uses me to help others who walk similar journeys. I\u2019m amazed at how God can take something sinful and isolating and use it to assure others they\u2019re not alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Through continued accountability and the support of a loving wife and community, God keeps me focused on what\u2019s important. He has led me to a place where I have to die to myself and live for Him. The desire to be a woman is still there, but I don\u2019t walk this path alone. My God is stronger still! He is so faithful!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– Benjamin<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n
<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve wrestled with gender identity for about twenty-five years, yet through it all, I\u2019ve seen God\u2019s faithfulness and love. Born into a family that loved the Lord, I put my faith in Jesus at age five. My adoption into His family and the Holy Spirit\u2019s presence have provided protection and a tether to hold on … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3969","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"aioseo_notices":[],"uagb_featured_image_src":{"full":false,"thumbnail":false,"medium":false,"medium_large":false,"large":false,"1536x1536":false,"2048x2048":false},"uagb_author_info":{"display_name":"Denise","author_link":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/author\/denise\/"},"uagb_comment_info":0,"uagb_excerpt":"I\u2019ve wrestled with gender identity for about twenty-five years, yet through it all, I\u2019ve seen God\u2019s faithfulness and love. Born into a family that loved the Lord, I put my faith in Jesus at age five. My adoption into His family and the Holy Spirit\u2019s presence have provided protection and a tether to hold on…","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3969","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3969"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3969\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3992,"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3969\/revisions\/3992"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3969"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3969"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/livingstonesministries.org\/help4families\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3969"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}