In my journey toward healing, I often played a game of tug-of-war with God. I told Him I was handing the situation with my gender-confused dad over to Him, but I kept pulling it back toward me—trying one more solution on my own. I lived a long time under the “no one else” mentality: “If something is going to be done, I must do it” and “No one can help Dad but me.” Eventually though, I ran out of what-ifs, maybe-I-shoulds, and if-onlys. I was so exhausted and my hands were so bloody from rope burn that I had to let go. I had to let God take over.
Asking God to take control will be difficult—your urge to take charge may be as strong as mine—but surrender demonstrates your confidence in His ability, His love, and His power.
Part of what drives us to fight for control is fear. What will happen if we do (or don’t do) such-and-such? How will so-and-so react if I do (or don’t do) such-and-such? Another mindset that motivates us to fight for control is the delusion that we can control a person or a situation. The truth is—God alone is in control. Not us!
The first step toward releasing control is determining what we can and can’t control. Basically, we can’t control other people. Neither can we control a lot of situations we face. Sometimes we can’t even control ourselves. But through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can learn to respond to people and circumstances in a godly, healthy way. For example, we cannot control our LGBT loved one’s decisions or actions, but we can control how we respond to those decisions and actions.
Get alone with God and consider what makes it so difficult to hand your heartbreak and disappointments to Him. Ask Him to reveal the reasons you struggle to hold on to the rope—burns and all. If you’re like me, my refusal to release the rope had two causes: I wanted to fix my problems myself, and I wanted my loved one to seek completeness and obedience in God. How ironic! I wanted my loved one to depend on God even as I insisted on independence from God.
Solomon was the wisest person who ever lived, and he was king of a prosperous nation, yet he recognized that the best way to live was to turn control over to God: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). In other words, release control! Solomon then adds, “In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (v. 6). Talk to God before every interaction with your LGBT loved one. Ask Him to make clear what you should and shouldn’t say, where you should and shouldn’t yield.
The phrase “let go and let God” is more than a bumper-sticker slogan. Relinquishing control is a daily, moment-by-moment choice. When we balance responsible living with humble submission to God, we can stop playing the tug-of-war game with Him and start winning the conflicts we face.