Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. Colossians 4:6 (ESV)
Megan called me one afternoon to share her concern for a female coworker who was transitioning to become a man. “She’s my friend,” Megan said, “She wants me to use her preferred male name and pronouns, but I care about her health and emotional well-being. How can I demonstrate my love, respect, and concern for her without compromising my convictions?”
I identified with Megan’s struggle because I, too, had wrestled with how to speak the truth to my dad when he embraced a female identity. I wanted to respond with loving respect, but I was also repulsed by his behavior and fantasies.
Scripture says we shouldn’t be “blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming” (Ephesians 4:14 ESV). Instead, we should speak the truth in love (v. 15). Yet how do we balance that teaching with Jesus’s command in Matthew 7:1 to “judge not, that you be not judged”?
Over many years, God worked in my heart and transformed my thinking. When Megan asked for guidance that day, I offered these principles for the conversation with her friend.
Confess Your Sin
I never considered myself a judgmental person, but when my dad visited the church I attended one Sunday morning, I thought, What right does he have to come here when he engages in sinful behavior behind closed doors and hides under a redheaded wig and women’s clothing when he goes to the local bar? I viewed Dad as unworthy to enter God’s house.
God, however, revealed that I had to confront my sinfulness. I assumed my judgmental attitude and pride were less offensive to God than my father’s sexual sins. But I needed forgiveness for my sins as much as my dad needed forgiveness for his.
In Matthew 7:3, Jesus says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” I needed to remove the plank from my eye and confess my self-righteousness. It was a struggle, but God’s consistent conviction showed me that I had no right to judge others, including my dad.
Soften Your Heart
After I confessed my judgmental spirit, God began to soften my heart toward Dad. He had suffered emotional abuse by his alcoholic mother. He struggled to connect with his father and to believe in his self-worth. Classmates bullied him. Neighbors labeled him “the lost little boy.” God filled me with compassion for this hurting, broken man.
To help those who struggle with gender identity, first connect with their inner turmoil. They often seek isolation because they believe no one understands their confusion. They battle extreme self-hatred and attempt to hide their rage at themselves, others, and God. They interpret life through the filtered lens of rejection.
Scripture says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 ESV). As we gain understanding about why people struggle with their God-given identity, we realize that most who battle same-sex attraction or transgenderism are deeply wounded. Hearing their stories helps us identify with their pain and builds mutual trust. Accept the individual’s many positive attributes, but don’t enter his or her fantasy world. Ask for and expect honesty. Respond openly and honestly only after you have given the person ample time to open up.
Guard Your Mouth
I often wanted to rebuke Dad and spotlight the hideousness of his sin. But the Bible says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29 ESV).
A few words, laced with grace and compassion, are more effective than lectures. Use phrases such as “I care about you,” “I don’t think this is God’s best for you,” and “God made you and loves you.” Be an attentive listener, and let the other person speak more than you do.
Offer Them Jesus
Those who’ve been ensnared by our culture’s lies—that personhood and identity are unconnected to biological gender—are living in “the futility of their minds” (Ephesians 4:17). They don’t need a sermon about biblical sexuality. They need Jesus—just as we do. They need “to be renewed in the spirit of [their] minds so they can “put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:23–24).
Let them know what God has done for you, what hardships He has helped you overcome. Show them that transformation is possible when we hand over control to Him. Ask if you can pray for them, which allows the Holy Spirit to communicate God’s healing presence. Mix truth with ample portions of love, grace, patience, and forbearance.
Prepare for Mixed Results
What did Megan do? She conveyed her love and concern for her coworker and shared the gospel. She said, “My commitment to God compels me to speak the truth, so I can’t honor your request to use your masculine name and preferred pronouns.” She then added, “I’ll inform HR of my intentions, but I wanted you to know my decision first.”
Her coworker listened but didn’t accept Megan’s decision. Neither did HR. So Megan was fired.
The next day Megan told me, “I was happy to leave to look good for God. I’ll continue to pray for her, that she will experience the love of God I know so well. I don’t regret sharing the gospel with her, and I pray that God will use my words as a seed in her heart.”
Five days later, God gave Megan a new job.
I also spoke the truth to my dad, but he continued to live as Becky until his death. I never entered his fantasy world by using his female name or female pronouns, but we rebuilt a relationship, and God helped me respond to Dad with compassion and grace.
We aren’t responsible for how others react to gracious speech, seasoned with the salt of God’s Word. They choose to accept or reject what God offers. Speaking the truth with humility and loving concern may not bring about the outcome you desire, but God will provide the peace you need to move forward, knowing you stood firm by honoring his Word and respecting the other person.