Megan called me one afternoon to talk about a female coworker transitioning to become a man. “She’s my friend,” Megan said, “She wants me to use her preferred male name and pronouns, but I care about her health and emotional well-being. How can I demonstrate my love, respect, and concern for her without compromising my convictions?”
I identified with Megan’s struggle because I, too, had wrestled with how to speak the truth to my dad when he embraced a female identity. I wanted to respond with loving respect, but I was also repulsed by his behavior and fantasies.
Scripture says we shouldn’t be “blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming” (Ephesians 4:14). Instead, we should speak the truth in love (v. 15). So, how can we be loving and truthful when someone wants us to use their preferred pronouns?
When family members support their loved one’s preferred pronouns and gender identity, they enable that person to do something that doesn’t serve their long-term well-being. Once this line has been crossed, the loved one’s identification with a false self is affirmed, and without intending to, many family members and friends have joined the gender-confused person in denying the fundamental truth of God’s creation.
The person requesting this is also asking family and friends to violate their conscience, which is a gift from God—a tool He provides to point us toward His principles and ways. Sometimes, particularly in today’s culture, we develop false consciences, based on popular beliefs about what is right and wrong. These human ideas (evolution, secularism, humanism, situational ethics, and traditions) influence what we consider moral and ethical. But they are man-made, not Spirit-directed.
Reality must be based on who Christ says we are and who He is fashioning us to be in a daily relationship with Him. Our loved one’s true identity will be found in Christ, not in some false feminine or masculine persona of their imagination. Refusing to affirm a loved one’s fantasy is living and loving in truth.
So, what biblical principles can help us navigate decisions about using preferred pronouns?
· God hates lies and loves truth. (Proverbs 12:22)
· Indulging someone’s fantasies isn’t beneficial to their mental, emotional, or spiritual well-being. (Proverbs 26:28)
· God calls us to remain firm on our convictions even when others disagree with us. (Hebrews 10:22–24)
Instead of readily agreeing to use a loved one’s preferred pronouns, prayerfully consider these conversation starters:
“I’m sorry you don’t understand why I can’t call you by ___. But I cannot say what does not reflect my heart or convictions.”
“I care about you, and I don’t think this is God’s best for you.”
I would’ve created a stumbling block if I’d allowed my father to walk in the false belief that he was someone other than the person God created him to be. I couldn’t make choices for my father, but I could set boundaries—for my dad’s long-term well-being and to preserve my family’s character. Boundaries aren’t bad; they’re meant to protect us and our loved ones. Talk to God about what boundaries he wants you to establish, stand firm on your biblical convictions, and speak the truth in a loving, respectful way.