My biggest problem in life has been pain. Pain from hurts, fears, traumas, and loneliness. Gender dysphoria was where I found relief from the pain and received pleasure. As a sixth-grade boy, I don’t know why I enjoyed thinking about being a girl and wearing female clothing. All I know is that I was the weird boy, the one that didn’t fit in anywhere. I just wanted the pain to stop, and I had this desire that when I followed it into my fantasy land, the pain would go away. I didn’t understand about choice.
I knew it was wrong. I grew up in a loving Christian home. I went to church. I knew the rules. I was a boy. Though my parents told me that they loved me, and the church told me that God loved me, I didn’t feel loved and accepted for being me. I was the boy and later the teen that was just in the way. My mom found female clothing in my room many times. She was mad, but I don’t remember any type of harsh punishment. My dad, though, never acknowledged my cross-dressing/gender dysphoria. He was silent when I got caught acting out. That wound, along with the fears and hardship of being a tween/teen, caused great pain. My place to get away was gender dysphoria. I could create the perfect world in my mind, and I enjoyed wearing clothes that boys and men didn’t wear.
For forty years, I lived with this tug-of-war. I was a man and liked things men like. I had girlfriends and wives. On the other side, I couldn’t walk away from wanting to live out my dream of being a woman. I did try some programs to change, but shame and guilt played a big factor in my life. It kept me in fear of actually getting real help, of telling my full story to anyone. There was no safe person I could tell. What would I do if I was rejected by the church? And God, he just wouldn’t take away this desire. What started as a feeling was now a choice. But honestly, I didn’t want to give it up. I just wanted someone to take it away for me.
I never actually went into public dressed as a woman, but many times I wore women’s clothing that could pass for men’s clothing. The only person that knew I struggled with gender dysphoria and cross-dressing was my second wife. She knew me like no other person on earth did. She gave me so many opportunities to choose to leave my life of gender dysphoria and cross-dressing. She gave me so much forgiveness, mercy, grace, and compassion. I tried to change my behavior. I wanted to be good for her, but I couldn’t ever change my heart. That is one thing that I have learned in recovery—without heart change, my behavior change will not last. So after twenty-four years of marriage, she had enough.
The thing that had taken care of all my pain then became the thing that had created the greatest pain I’ve ever experienced. I lost everything precious to me because of it. It was only then that I said to God that I would do whatever it would take to get rid of this disease. Before I reached that point, I could never see just how bad it was to completely deny who God made me as a man.
Desperation helped me overcome my fear, and I knew I needed help. I could only get that if I talked about it. So that is exactly what I did. I went to a pastor, looked him in the eye, and told him about my gender dysphoria. And I received love from him. From there I joined a men’s groups, later a Conqueror’s group, and later got a CSAT/Counselor.
But the biggest thing that I had to do in changing my heart was surrender. I had to trust God. And God is faithful. He has blessed me with many brothers who know about my gender dysphoria and cross-dressing, and they all love me. I still have temptations to go back to the life of gender dysphoria and cross-dressing, but I have come to a place in my life that I know I will only be completely healed once I go to heaven. I live in freedom today, though. I now stand firm on Genesis 1:27. I am made male!