Healing and restoration is a process. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t happen as quickly as many of us wish. I had to first begin to painfully expose my secrets to trustworthy brothers and sisters in the Church. While I fully expected their rejection, I experienced instead their love and care, acceptance and compassion. This simple act of exposing my true thoughts and struggles took the fuse out of the interior bomb of my wounded soul.

I began implementing the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, slightly adapting the principles to fit my own situation. I took my journals, opening up my “dark side” to myself, a counselor and other trusted friends. My compatriots were never seemingly shocked by my confessions; rather they were exposed to the light of how irrational and self destructive they were.

God has always used the Body of Christ to help encourage me in my journey out of my confusion. For example, my wife and I were a part of a prayer group. One night, another woman I didn’t know began to pray over me with specific insights that could have only been known by God. She said, “The enemy has assigned a task force to hammer away at you continually, bringing self-condemnation to you in order to spiritually castrate you and prevent you from being fruitful in God’s Kingdom. But God is giving you strength and courage to stand up in your own manhood in Him and defeat the enemy…”

I’d be lying to you if I said that discarding my feminine persona has been painless. At first I didn’t know if I could really emotionally survive without a day of cross-dressing. Eventually, I could see that getting rid of that behavior was the very best thing for my well-being. I had to learn how to renew myself daily in prayer and make right choices to pursue Christ’s way for me rather than what I deemed best.

I had to learn to not walk by how I felt. I had to learn how to walk by faith that God’s plan for me was and is the best.

Today, I realize that I may well have occasional transsexual desires looming within my heart for the rest of my life. But I now understand enough and have experienced enough restoration and Truth to any longer believe that my feelings dictate who I am. I have clear-cut choices before me daily. I am learning the ways of a disciple of Jesus Christ. Enduring temptation and dealing with life in more productive ways (with God’s direct interventions!) is the answer. Not the butcher’s block!

I am today gazing out of my office window to see the season once more changing its color. The trees are again a brilliant red. My own reflection in the window pane is different, however. It’s no longer a stylishly-dressed woman, waiting for the receptionist’s announcement.

Now I see the man God created me to be and has given grace for me to rejoice in being . I no longer find it necessary or even appealing to be seen as Jennifer. My real identity is contained within the name to which I proudly answer: Jerry.

I invite you to repeat this simple prayer with me:

O Lord God Almighty, not the god of the philosophers and the wise but the God of the prophets and apostles; and better than all, the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, may I express my heart to thee un-blamed?

They that know Thee not may call upon Thee as other than Thou art, and so worship not Thee but a creature of their own fancy; therefore enlighten our minds that we may know Thee as Thou art, so that we may perfectly love Thee and worthily praise Thee.

In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

* The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer, p1.