I’ve wrestled with gender identity for about twenty-five years, yet through it all, I’ve seen God’s faithfulness and love.
Born into a family that loved the Lord, I put my faith in Jesus at age five. My adoption into His family and the Holy Spirit’s presence have provided protection and a tether to hold on to as I’ve worked through my gender identity issues.
When I entered puberty, I began to struggle with my identity. I didn’t know how to handle the feelings or even what they were. I fantasized about being something or someone else—a cartoon character or a big, sleek cat. About that time, a daytime TV program introduced me to transgenderism. A guest talked about a male childhood friend, then the show’s host welcomed the friend onstage … and out walked a beautiful woman. The image of the boy’s photo in the background and the woman sitting onstage seared itself in my mind.
From then on, I believed I was a girl. I fantasized about how and when I could transition but didn’t share my feelings with anyone. I knew my parents wouldn’t support it, and I didn’t believe God would approve either. I harbored a judgmental view of God; therefore, a lot of guilt, shame, and fear kept me from pursuing a gender change.
Still, I fed my fantasy in private. I’d put on my mom’s clothes and makeup, then long to be the person I saw in the mirror. The night before my sixteenth birthday, I begged God to make me a girl. I wanted to wake up in a girl’s body—as if I’d always been my parents’ daughter and my younger brothers’ big sister. I was crushed when that didn’t happen, and the desire’s intensity filled me with guilt and shame. I begged God repeatedly to take away the desire and reveal why I had to deal with it.
My parents found out about my struggle when I was in high school and made it clear they were opposed to it, which reinforced my belief that changing my gender would mean not seeing them very much.
In college, I purchased female clothing, dressed up, felt guilty, and then threw away the clothes. I bought menopause pills because I read they contained small doses of hormones. I took one dose, felt very guilty, and flushed the remaining pills down the toilet. I attended a college men’s group awhile, looking for accountability and help. But they focused on staying pure and fighting problems such as pornography and masturbation. The other men’s struggles weren’t like mine (though some issues overlapped).
The biggest issue during my journey has been loneliness. I thought only especially dirty people wrestled with this taboo issue. When I gathered the courage to share my story, seeking discipleship and help, I was generally met with a deer-in-the-headlights look, some good-hearted intentions to pray with me, but cluelessness about what to do. Then the issue never came up again.
The loneliness intensified. I searched online for information and help, using keywords such as “Christian transgender” or “transgender ministry.” Several sites claimed to be Christian, but they supported transsexuality. I couldn’t find a site that indicated transitioning was wrong, but I still believed it dishonored God.
After college, I got married. I assumed the struggle would be less intense, but it wasn’t. Without my wife’s support, though, I’d still be immersed in gender confusion. Soon after we married, I found a ministry that dealt specifically with gender identity from a biblical perspective. Finally, I met someone who understood this struggle and the grace and healing God can bring. For months, I talked with the ministry’s director on the phone, every other week or so. Those conversations radically changed my viewpoint.
I received helpful information and resources. I spoke openly with someone who has walked this journey longer and farther than I have. I dug into the trauma and experiences behind the struggle. Jesus said, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:32). As much as I want to believe that I’m a woman in a man’s body, nothing but my imagination is telling me that. It’s just not true. And I desire to live in truth.
I now recognize the need for community. Celebrate Recovery and Help 4 Families have been godsends. God never gave up on me, and He uses me to help others who walk similar journeys. I’m amazed at how God can take something sinful and isolating and use it to assure others they’re not alone.
Through continued accountability and the support of a loving wife and community, God keeps me focused on what’s important. He has led me to a place where I have to die to myself and live for Him. The desire to be a woman is still there, but I don’t walk this path alone. My God is stronger still! He is so faithful!
– Benjamin
